A primary-hand quest for the way forward for intercourse
Illustration by D. Thomas Magee
Over the previous two months, I have been intimately concerned with a collection of machines. On a mission to seek out the way forward for intercourse, I’ve masturbated right into a crowdfunded intercourse sleeve, been transported right into a porn star’s anus and fairly actually fucked myself.
On Friday, I reached my remaining vacation spot. I can now say that it’s a clumsy, unremarkable future.
NSFW Warning: This story might include hyperlinks to and descriptions or photographs of specific sexual acts.
It began off merely sufficient. A good friend despatched over a collection of 4 digital-actuality porn information and prompt I write one thing about my expertise. I bought a Gear VR, borrowed a Galaxy S6 and began the somewhat arduous process of getting these information up and operating. The method took almost two hours and introduced again reminiscences of the hours spent ready for a single beefcake butt to obtain over dial-up. As with my early experiences with web porn, hours of anticipation led to some fleeting moments of launch.
Having seen my share of poorly executed VR demos and having labored for a porn studio that, like so many others, valued amount over high quality, I set my expectations low. After downloading the information (every of which ranged from 1.5GB to 2GB); putting in software program to sideload the movies and ultimately sideloading them onto the Galaxy S6; and, lastly, registering an Oculus ID in order that I might watch them within the official participant, I used to be in.
As a toddler of the ’80s I used to be instantly happy to see Oculus Video’s menu was like stepping inside Xanadu. My pleasure ended there.
The 4 movies have been the type of low-price range European rubbish I might anticipated; the type the place extreme child oil and tribal tattoos adorn hairless health club our bodies. A fast seek for “homosexual VR porn” turned up the identical 4 movies (and a small handful of others) at VirtualRealGay, the brother firm to straight porn VR manufacturing unit VirtualRealPorn. Sadly for the remainder of us, immersive porn continues to be largely a privilege preserved for straight dudes.
I’ve all the time prided myself on my means to place private preferences apart and simply bone. So that is what I did. I strapped on the Gear VR, chosen the primary of the 4 movies and explored a generic trendy condo, housing an equally generic muscle stud who stroked himself to completion, all of the whereas uncomfortably staring me within the eye. I might ultimately convey myself to completion watching two sadly inked juice heads rub their slippery, bulging our bodies towards one another. However not earlier than having a number of the worst intercourse of my life.
… It was all I might do to take care of an erection whereas my face was buried in a wall of clean, orange again pores and skin.
The offending scene, titled Company Boy, is shot from the attitude of the highest, and the thing of his gaze, and presumably the eponymous character, is a skinny however properly-constructed younger man with a very unlucky prime knot and a type of methy stares which you can’t unsee. Company Boy is the antithesis of my sort, however what made the expertise so depressing was purely technical.
VR continues to be in a clumsy adolescence: The units, although refined, are both tethered to PCs or depending on smartphones with restricted storage capability. They’re additionally fairly giant and uncomfortable to put on for prolonged durations of time. My display fogged up greater than as soon as and I needed to take myself out of the expertise totally to be able to carry out easy duties, like discovering lube.
Whereas we’re nonetheless within the early days of VR hardware, the headsets are hardly the one impediment. Content material producers are nonetheless making an attempt to determine tips on how to shoot one hundred eighty-diploma video, resulting in some really weird views. Getting too shut can create a warped, fisheye impact, turning an in any other case regular intimate encounter right into a enjoyable-home anatomy lesson. Capturing too distant can create a disconnect. Within the case of Company Boy, it was all I might do to take care of an erection whereas my face was buried in a wall of clean, orange again pores and skin.
Whereas novel, my first time with VR porn was, as I might suspected, difficult, cumbersome and finally underwhelming. As a homosexual millennial accustomed to the convenience and abundance of free tube-porn, I simply could not see VR upending my solo intercourse life. At the least not now.
Fortunate for me, it wasn’t lengthy earlier than I acquired an unsolicited package deal containing three similar variations of the Autoblow 2. This male masturbator is a crowdfunding success story that guarantees to simulate the expertise of oral intercourse. It even has a tiny silicone mouth, as a result of, you already know, authenticity is essential when an enormous plastic tube is fellating you.
The Autoblow 2, dubbed “your blowjob robotic” on the corporate’s web site, simulates knob slobbing with a typical silicone sleeve, a motor with adjustable speeds and a collection of bead-coated springs that roll up and down the penis. Oh, and it plugs into the wall, so no charging crucial! Whereas this will not be the sentient, Stepford-fashion companion threatening to switch flesh-and-blood lovers, it occurred to me that this may be my probability to get out forward of the robo-sexual revolution.
I’d as nicely have caught my dick in a vacuum.
Like my expertise with VR porn, the Autoblow 2 was pure novelty. The barrier to entry was a lot decrease — all you actually should do is plug the factor in, flip it on, pump some lube within the mouth gap and go to city — however the finish end result was simply as unfulfilling.
I might once more rub one out efficiently and with out the hours of setup and obstructed imaginative and prescient. However over the previous 20-odd years, I’ve discovered the best way to use my hand in methods no man or machine can emulate. The Autoblow 2 was a poor substitute for my hand and a far cry from an actual-life blowjob. Along with tying me to an electrical outlet, the system is ridiculously giant, requiring each arms to carry in place, and the sounds of the motor inside, in live performance with an unidentifiable excessive-pitched squeal, betrayed the “robotic’s” lack of sophistication. I’d as properly have caught my dick in a vacuum.
However I did not, as a result of I am not dumb, and in addition to, I used to be on a mission to seek out the way forward for intercourse, which I am fairly positive does not contain screwing a Roomba. One other factor I will not be sticking my dick in anytime quickly is a penis pedometer, however in researching these legendary units for an additional column I got here throughout yet one more supposedly revolutionary intercourse toy: Kiiroo.
And that is when issues actually received bizarre.
Search for the conclusion to this story within the subsequent installment of Pc Love.